Toddlers Without Tiaras

… tales of my threenager

8 Signs your Newborn Needs to Learn Self Defence Skills

To all the newborn babies out there – be forewarned – you cannot trust your older siblings.  Speaking from experience (being the eldest of 5), one minute your older sibling will be hugging you and giving you soft kisses (under the watchful eye of loving parents).  The next minute you will need to run for cover.  I won’t even go in to details about why, just know, it is bad!

Unfortunately, as you are a baby, you can barely hold your head up, yet alone run for cover.  Sorry kid, you drew the short stick being the younger sibling.  While there will be advantages later in life, you will have a few years of torture ahead of you.

In my household Little Sis (Lil’ Sis) is now 4 months old.  The following outlines personal accounts I have witnessed, proving, Lil’ Sis needs to step it up and learn to defend herself.

Scenario 1
Action: You think Big Sis is going to give you a kiss.  Instead she licks your face in a slow, I’d like to nibble your cheeks fashion … while cackling.
Defence: Utilize oral biological warfare to discourage facial licking.

Needs ketchup!

Needs ketchup!

Scenario 2
Action: Big Sis walks her dollies on dog leashes.  Imagine what she will do to you??
Defence: If you find yourself alone with your Big Sis, utilize your angry scream to signal for help.

Time to walk the baby

Time to walk the baby

Scenario 3
Action: Big Sis keeps putting her dollies in her play kitchen oven, closing the door, and playing with the knobs.
Defence: Luckily you cannot walk.  However, one day you will be able.  Lesson here … if she asks you to play house, and wants to start in the kitchen, SAY NO!!

It’s getting hot in here...

It’s getting hot in here…

Scenario 4
Action: Your sister shows you how much she loves you by hugging you around the neck.
Defence: Biological warfare comes in to play again in this situation.  If you spit up, your Big Sis will not want to touch your face.

Let me show you how much I love you by hugging you around the neck.

Let me show you how much I love you by hugging you around the neck.

Scenario 5
Action: Big Sis uses guerrilla water boarding tactics when bathing her toys.
Defence: Thankfully, you will never be left alone in the bathtub with your Big Sis.  If however you do need to defend yourself, a little toot (aka biological warfare from the dark side) has been known to clear the tub.  Just go easy on your parents.  Try to keep them out of the line of fire.


Scenario 7
Action: Baby sandwich.
Defence: Just like a bear attack, it is best not to move.  Just lie still.  Hopefully she will lose interest and walk away.

Sorry.  Didn't see you there.

Sorry. Didn’t see you there.

Scenario 8
Action: Stickers.  It starts with Dora, stars, and rainbows.  You think it is cute when your Big Sis shares her stickers with you.  This is a huge RED FLAG!   Next thing you know … she has priced to sell you at a discount.
Defence: Utilize a back and forth head rotation to fend off stickering attempts.  Use the same motion during tummy time to remove the stickers.

25₵ or best offer

25₵ or best offer


Sun, August 10 2014 » Uncategorized

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